I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
