I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
