"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
