I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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