Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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