I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
