I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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