Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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