does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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