I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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