Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
