i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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