...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
