just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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