im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
