Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
