I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
