I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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