I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Shame - the story of my life.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
