P.S. I can't hear my feet
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
