I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
