Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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