I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Mom said you looked used
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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