exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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