Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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