well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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