there's paper in my vomit.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
