There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
