my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you would pick up someone in the library
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
