And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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