u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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