Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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