His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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