dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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