I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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