I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
