I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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