if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
