I should be sponsored by Trojan
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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