I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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