i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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