I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
