I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
