Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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