I puked a lego.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
