My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Everyone says I win the strip club
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
