one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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