yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
