On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
