Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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