By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
