btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
